B E

B E I N G

sinagtala | August 4, 2023

JUST TO EXIST

    I was called to be in this moment, writing my first ever blog that I know well I'd come back to again in the near future. It was around 2 AM earlier when I decided to try out this medium, and thought to myself, I'll only be who I am right now momentarily. I won't be 17 forever, filled with much vigor and quench for life. I supposed blogs were a perfect way to attempt to crystallize the fleeting nature of my existence.

    For once I had finally found the self-respect I craved through the transitional adolescent times. I am humbled to be given the opportunity to be where I am right now. I'm valuing much of what I know now, and pray tell my future self to treasure the history of themselves as penned on this very medium. No longer in a place of shame to witness once more what has become, but to value that it was something that had occurred in the first place and contributed to my very own humanity. In short, always in a position of gratitude, come what may.

    I had just finished reading Rick Rubin's The Creative Act: A Way of Being in the wee hours of the morning today after exactly a month ago. A part of my reading process would be to rigorously took note of the words that resonated best with my experiences, even if it means my hands would go numb from the amount of words I'd copy onto my notebook. On the last few pages of the book, I started listening to the songs of tick, tick... BOOM!, a masterpiece that I turn to when I want to be grateful for the time I'm given here. My reading journey ended exactly when the last song of the soundtrack ended. I thought that intersecting those media was a pleasant way to culminate the process. 

    It baffles me sometimes when I'm reminded that those words were written at a different time, place, and set of experiences. The person who wrote it does not even know me, yet the language still finds its way to resonate. These are the avenues of connection offered by humanity, and it never fails to make us feel. Indeed, I'm micro-analyzing every split detail that comes into the experience, but that's what I got from it-- to surrender myself to being. 

    A thing I've circled in on as I concluded my journey through the book was to value presence through curiosity. Questioning aids in bring us back to where we are, it captures the stimuli to respond to something that calls for a reaction. We are called to sift through our experiences, and through thousands in the collections of your memories do you create a response that you see fit for the moment. We live in and for the moment, and questions remind us of that. I've had a notion that questions equate to a demand to respond, yet it doesn't have to be. Questions do not demand finality, it's how we frame and act upon these questions that limit us. There's also a position of being kept in the dark with not knowing when one is asked questions, the immediate response sometimes lies in knowing that there should be an answer for it. This greatly stems from the binary structures we're so accustomed to. 

    So what if we don't know even after such a pursuit to understand? That's actually great, because imagine if you did get an answer... then what? Surely a celebration after such hard work calls for it, but what comes next when you met your end? Alright, I wouldn't go on with that thought because I fear I'd fall into a existential rabbit hole for the hundredth time (perhaps I'll go again in another time, we'll see), but the point is just to exist. Just be. That's all we had, have, and will have until our ends meet.

I LOVE IT EVEN SO

   

    I bring along my thoughts on the book as I go about the day, I couldn't find it in myself to drop it anytime soon. During the late morning, an invite was sent to watch a preview show of a musical because one of my friends happen to have free tickets to it. (You'll never guess what it is.) It was a local production of tick, tick... BOOM!, minutes away from my home, and I happen to be free at the time of its showing. That in itself plastered that my day will go extremely well.

    Many hours before the show, I had scheduled to have a call with my best friend just to tell them all about my recent musings. It was also a great time to slump around, especially at the context that I got my period after two months (please help me). I told them about my trips, meeting up with all sorts of people throughout the week, and such. They'd tell me about the inner workings of their mind as it processes recent events and how contradicting feelings can always coexist. They said about someone,

"I dislike you, but I don't hate you."

    It was a line I had written down just because I found myself in the same place with someone I once cared about deeply. I was glad that I found another person to share these sentiments with, it was freeing to be reminded that I can acknowledge what I actually feel about someone without being ashamed of it. It's a people pleaser thing.

    Continuing on these threads of conversation with them, I'd remind myself I've known this person for 8 years and this would be the last year we'd spend in the same place. I'd never say it out loud, though (it's too early to cry about it now). They'd play their guitar as I hurried to get ready to play my part as an audience of the show. I had to go, but I knew I'd remember them at some point during the show. I just knew it (and I did).

    

    I wouldn't expound much on what I had felt detail per detail on the show, articulating it would ruin the solemnity I had experienced in that event. Let's just leave it at that moment in time. What I will share briefly from the experience, however, is that I broke down particularly to a song titled, Why, as it had always reminded me to think back and acknowledge the presence of things and people in my life. I'm also comforted to know that I wasn't the only one who shed tears tonight, my friends were there too. 

    On the drive home, I couldn't help but listen to the soundtrack and pondered upon the connections I have witnessed throughout the day. I got up to my room still thinking: 

Well the cramps were of no help to the experience earlier but nonetheless, I loved the show even so. I loved it even so... oh wow that's so potent.

    That wasn't exactly how my thought process went on, but you get the gist of it. I found myself exploring on the "despite that-", the "regardless of-", and all those that have to do with the "even ifs". It's an affirmation of our driving force; why we do what we do. We don't have to be conscious of these reasons all the time (it is humanly impossible to do that), but when we find ourselves saying "even so", there's something unconditional about it; it insists to retain ourselves in whatever state we experienced and are experiencing. That's one of the human double-edged swords I love most, our capacity to stay.